Not that you asked
Boy, are you lucky. Just for the price of this newspaper, I'm going to tell you how we can solve most of our Middle East problems, cut government spending, and pay off our national debt. If you feel grateful to me after reading this, you don't have to thank me. Just make a large cash donation to a foundation I am starting to help the needy. Just be advised that I consider myself to be one of the needy.
All we have to do is sell the state of Florida to Israel on the condition that they move there and make it their new homeland. Florida is much larger than Israel, so they would have plenty of room to build all of those settlements that have been causing so many problems, and there is already a large Jewish population in the state. It's also what Florida deserves for making George W. Bush President in 2000. And let's face it, Israel isn't in a prime location. Besides being surrounded by enemies, as one former Israeli Prime Minister noted, "What's so great about Moses? He led us to the one spot in the Middle East with no oil under it."
I can even suggest what our asking price should be--$18 trillion. The fact that that also happens to be the amount of our national debt, is purely coincidental. You can trust me when I say that because I am not now, nor ever have been, a used car salesman, although I did have a great uncle that sold Pontiacs in Illinois.
Selling Florida to Israel would not only wipe out our national debt, it would save us billions of dollars in foreign aid and defense spending. After all, if Israel is no longer in the Middle East, they wouldn't need our foreign aid, and we could reduce our military presence there since we wouldn't have to hang around guarding the place. Once the Palestinians move into the area, we can sell all kinds of our military kill toys to them and Saudi Arabia and let them fight ISIS for us. That only seems fair since ISIS hates them too and just happens to be in their backyard.
If you are worried about turning over American territory to a religious state, we've done it before. The Mormons run Utah, and we let them keep it, even after they massacred a bunch of Arkansas settlers back in the 1800s. I know that Florida is more prime real estate than Utah, but it's also an entry port for illegal drugs, and hurricanes like to land there. From now on, those would be Israel's problems, not ours.
If you are hung up about losing a 50th state, there's a solution for that. It's time to grant statehood to Puerto Rico. It has the same climate as Florida, along with the ocean and beaches. For years, Puerto Rico has existed as an American territory with no say or representation in our affairs. It's only fair that should change.
So there you have it. We can ease a lot of tension in the Middle East, cut our spending, and pay off our national debt by simply selling Florida to Israel. You're welcome.
In closing, let me sum up my feelings about the GOP presidential contenders by paraphrasing Donald Trump: When the Republicans send us their presidential candidates, they're not sending their best. They're sending their ego maniacs, their Tea Party crazies, and their trickle-down economists. Some of them, I assume, are good people, but they just get lost in that crowd.
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